I am sick of hearing compliments that make me feel like shit.

I am done. Seriously done with how people talk to me about my weight and how I look.

A little over 3 years ago on advice of my doctor I gave up gluten. For good. As a result a lifetime of daily migraines stopped. Almost overnight. As my body healed they became less frequent and I have now gone 18 months without one. I went from a daily dose of codeine that could kill most children to not needing my prescription filled ever.

I started immunotherapy 5 years ago dropping from 6 kinds of allergy medication that left me always tired to 2 a day. 2 summers ago I learned flowers have smells they aren’t just pretty and cause pain. I dropped to once a day allergy medication. Now I have almost zero airborne allergy symptoms. This spring I  have rapid action pills if I need them. I have taken them once so far.

I also made a decision not drink pop diet or otherwise daily anymore. I enjoy club soda now (which I used to find revolting). Not drinking so much sugar caused me to lose a further 15 pounds. I have issues with my pancreas so this makes my doctor happy I cut out unneeded sugar.

For reference I was an underweight child. It took years for me to get to the point doctors stopped being angry with me for being “too thin”. As a result of my diet changes I lost a ton of weight over 50 pounds. Weight I loved. Weight I wanted. Weight I worked to put on. Weight that made me feel good about myself. Losing that weight made me sad.

I made some choices due to stress. I had boxes saved of too small clothing and when all those became too big I stopped wearing pants. Buying pants online or in stores made me feel emotionally crippled  and ill.  So I just gave them up. I boxed mine up and mailed them to a friend. I gave another friend thousands of dollars worth of dresses I cherished because I accepted I can’t gain that weight back. It was hard. I found my clothing new homes. I started slowly buying new things. I am still really uncomfortable with sizing. I can not make my brain think I am the size that I am now.

I decided to grow my hair out. I needed to do something to make myself better.  I rocked a pixie cut for 15+ years and then a short chopped hairstyle. I learned wow my hair is really curly. I had no clue it was so curly. I had very long hair as a child then cut it all off so short it couldn’t curl.  I cut my hair off in grief. My Dad loved my
 long hair. When he died I was so angry at the world I couldn’t conform to something he found beautiful. I lost a part of me and my identity that took over 20 years to gain back. Learning to embrace and deal with curly hair was hard.

As a result of weight loss I didn’t want and growing my hair long. I learned that people give backhanded hurtful “compliments” and often have no fucking clue they are doing so.

People stop me all the time now and tell me I look thin. Wow you look so thin. ALL THE TIME.

I don’t feel happy with my weight loss. I have done my best to accept it. It makes me upset that you feel the need to comment on my weight at all. Why don’t people comment on how much happier I look. Being rid of migraines and allergies has made me feel so much better. I smile more. I feel so much better. I am so happy after decades of being in pain it was able to be fixed. I never dreamed it could happen.  Yet everyone only comments on my weight loss like I should be proud of it.

Then there is my hair. My hair is never “normal” in colour. I love to have bright shocking colours. It makes me feel good. If I straighten it I get wow that looks great it is so nice that way. I do love my hair straight but it is only straight 1% of the time. The other 99% of the time I work really hard to have curls that look amazing. Every single time people tell me my hair looks better straight I have to fight back tears and not just go shave my head. I wish people would take time to say nice things about my hair when I let it be curly. It was so hard to grow my hair out in the first place from a place of grief I don’t need to feel like it  isn’t good enough if I let it be curly.

Honestly I wish people would stop and think before they dish out compliments because so often they are just hurtful and I know you didn’t intend them to be.

feb 2013

Me Feb 2013 right when I started the whole new eating plan. I felt horrible, I just lost 3 people I loved to cancer that month. My migraines and allergies were debilitating.

April 2016

Me April 2016  healthy and happy. I finally have the long green hair I always wanted since the first time I read  Xanth novels and fell in love with Sorceress Irene.

CDM